1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

To date I have attempted 30 Days of Discipline 8 times. Every single 30 Days of Discipline run I have ever attempted ends up the same exact way. 

It usually happens very early, within the first week. I'll mess up just one day, get angry, upset, depressed, and totally shut down any semblence of productive behaviour I may have at one time possessed.

Instead my behaviour reverts to the disgusting neckbeard part of myself that I absolutely loathe. 

I lock myself in my room eating junk and playing videogames for hours on end.

The sad part? I had just gotten over a breakdown like this not more than 7 days ago.

It's exceedingly frusturating.

It feels like I'm driving through a fucking bog. 

After exerting enough effort I'll drive myself out of a rut, go forward a few feet, then get stuck in a puddle of mud. 

It's felt like this for the past 2 years.

I try my best to channel the awesome and inspired part of myself whenever I write my blogposts. Presentation is everything. I don't want to sound like the whiny boy I feel like most of the time. 

I also do not wish to display any sort of negativity to whomever might be reading this.

But I also said that I was going to spill my guts out on this blog. I'd be a liar if I didn't publish this post (though I am sorely tempted not too).

Alright, enough bitching.

What am I going to do about?

I figure the only way you can drive out of a bog is to keep on fucking driving.

I could analyze myself, try and figure out why I keep failing, and try to address that particular issue. But I've been trying to do that for years.  That's what has kept me from attempting 30 Days of Discipline relentlessly.

In 2 years time I've only attempted 30 Days 8 times. I could have attempted it 90 times since then. If I had even attempted it once a month I would have attempted it 48 times total. A measly 8 attempts is next to nothing.

From now on, every day is a 30 Days of Discipline day.

There are 233 days until I turn 20. If it takes me 233 days to finish 30 Days of Discipline, then fuck it - it takes me 233 days to finish 30 Days of Discipline.