30 Days of Discipline Day 3

I fucked up yesterday.

Halfway through my to-do list, I decided I was going to "take a break," and begn messing around the internet, not doing much of anything.

Suddenly it was 8 o'clock at night and I still had half of my to-do list not done.

I got most of the important items done, but I still did not finish every item (including my 30 Day's post) by the time 12:30 in the morning rolled around. It was then I decided to call it quits and go to bed.

Today I woke up at 1 in the afternoon with a major head ache and a sore throat. I don't even have a to-do list written yet.

By deciding that I "deserved a break" after doing a little bit of my to-do list yesterday, I lost whatever momentum I had going for me coming out of my spectacularly scored 10 out of 11 day yesterday. Even without the slightly feverish cold I am experiencing, my past self has put my present self in a very shitty position.

Had I done well yesterday, the only thing in my way would have been a slightly feverish cold. Now, on top of the serious amount of friction I have to overcome, I have a slightly feverish cold.

How selfish of past me. Past me is kind of a dick.

Let's take a look at what past me accomplished yesterday

Habit 1: No Snacking

I don't think past me even ate a real meal yesterday. All he ate was snack foods.

Habit 2: Get up at 5AM

Even though past me got up at 6:45 yesterday, he had the alarm set for 6... Since I let myself sleep in, getting up earlier doesn't count.

Habit 3: Cold Showers Only!

At least past me started off the day right with a cold shower after 50 pushups, situps, and bodysquats.

Habit 4: No Masturbation

Even when past me was dicking around on the internet (pun intended), the thought didn't pop up in my mind.

Habit 5: 100 Pushups, Situps, and Bodysquats

Past me only did 50 today. Didn't do the last half before bed.

Habit 6: Dress Your Best

Past me got dressed right away after my shower, as usual.

Habit 7: Finish Your To-Do List

Past me lost my momentum and did not get many things done. However, I noticed I was also adding things on throughout the day. This is how I got massive, 15-20 item lists that I could harldy accomplish in the past. I need to resist this urge and just do what's on the list first before thinking about adding more items.

Habit 8: Keep Prideful Posture

Past me actually managed this, even when "on break." These posture exercises are probably the reason that I am not feeling so depressed about fucking up. This is a very nice change of pace.

Habit 9: Yes or No Answers to Yes or No Questions

Past me actually accomplished this! It's strange. I can feel myself gaining just the slightest bit of self-respect every time I decline to do things just because someone else wants me to do them. Not being a doormat feels pretty damn good.

Habit 10: Carry a Notebook and Pen Everywhere

Past and present me both love this little notebook. I love being able to secure my thought and ideas onto paper as opposed to letting them be thought and forgotten.

Habit 11: Move Towards Your Own Goal

Past me made sure this was one of the first things I did on my to-do list. However, I underestimated the turn-around time what it will take to get the product comepletely put together, so I am doubting that it will be finished this Saturday. I will do everything in my power to get it done on or before Monday.

So... How did past me do?

7 out of 11

Not terrible, actually. I was expecting far worse. Still, I should have gotten all 11 done yesterday.

Yesterday's lesson for me was definitely a show of how easily and quickly momentum can be destroyed and even turned around into an opposing force.

Let's see if present me can dig myself out of this hole.

I'll see ya'll on the other side.

30 Days of Discipline (Again) Day 2

I actually feel like I did pretty good today. I got a lot more done today than I have recently. In fact, I'm in line to knock out one of my remaining 19 goals tomorrow! Will definitely be posting about that soon.

I also managed to find my state thanks to Mike and D&P. 

I feel good. Things are looking up. 

Let's see how I did today

Habit 1: No Snacking

I skipped breakfast this morning and ate only two meals. One was larger than it needed to be, but I ate no snacks today.

Habit 2: Get up at 5AM

I woke up at 7 today. I am still considering this a victory. I am going to get up earlier tomorrow.

Habit 3: Cold Showers Only!

The water is getting colder now that fall is here. Looking forward to gritting my teeth through the winter this year.

Habit 4: No Masturbation

I didn't even think about it.

Habit 5: 100 Pushups, Situps, and Bodysquats

Did all 100 today. I did half the workout in the morning, and I just finished the other half of it.

Habit 6: Dress Your Best

I dressed like I gave a fuck right after my shower this morning.

Habit 7: Finish Your To-Do List

I got it all done today. I kept it shorter than usual. Only 9 things today, as opposed to the 15 I usually have. I tend to overestimate what I can do, so I think I will stick to shorter to-do lists from now on.

Habit 8: Keep Prideful Posture

I kept this up all day! I constantly was up out of my chair doing the posture exercise that Mike shows off, and I made an effort to keep a straight back throughout the day.

Habit 9: Yes or No Answers to Yes or No Questions

I really want to say that I did this all today, but I cannot say it for sure. I have a sneaking suspicion that I lost this frame when I went to the store today and needed help finding some items.

Habit 10: Carry a Notebook and Pen Everywhere

Done. Even when I went into the store. Got a few more awesome ideas written down.

Habit 11: Move Towards Your Own Goal

I've been talking alot about these "business ideas" that I proclaim to be working on. I could totally be bullshitting you and just saying this to look good on my own blog. 

However, I have a goal to have finished my first tangible "product" for this business by this Saturday. I made good progress on it today, and if I can keep up the pace, I will be able to put it up for all 12 readers to see!

Hopefully by then you will trust that I am legitimately trying to do shit in my real life, not trust trying to gain face on a faceless blog.

So. How'd I do?

Overall Score: 10 out of 11

I feel good about this, but I am not celebrating. I must remain cautious. I feel like I have a lot going for me right now. My relationships are all in a good place at the moment, and I have forced out negativity from my thoughts for the time being.

But I know how quickly this can all go to shit. 

Tomorrow I might get dumped, my parents might kick me out, and I'll begin to hate myself all over again.

It seems like my ups are UP, and my downs are seriously down. I am feeling up, but I am only 2 days into this potentially 200 day 30 Days of Discipline run. 

The true test is to get this high a score on days that I don't feel like doing anything.

We'll see how far I get.

30 Days of Discipline (Again) Day 1

Today was an absolute shit 30 Days day. I was completely unprepared for doing anything productve. My shitty behaviours have themselves gained momentum by me allowing them back into my life unchallenged. 

I do not want to list the habits that I did and didn't do. It's embarrasing. But I'm going to list them anyways. 

Habit 1: No Snacking

I ate three times today, and while that is technically allowed in 30 Days of Discipline, most of what I ate were snack foods.

Habit 2: Get up at 5AM

I woke up at 7 today. This is technically the latest you are allowed to get up. Seeing as the previous day I had woken up at noon, this is a small victory.

Habit 3: Cold Showers Only!

Cold showers are all I take, even when I fuck up.

Habit 4: No Masturbation

I hardly even thought of this today. This is a habit that I more or less have under control in my opinion.

Habit 5: 100 Pushups, Situps, and Bodysquats

The extent of my workout today was 10 pullups.

Habit 6: Dress Your Best

I eventually dressed productively, but for half of the day I was in sweats. This was not a victory.

Habit 7: Finish Your To-Do List

I only got half way through before I allowed myself to indulge in sloth...

Habit 8: Keep Prideful Posture

I think I corrected myself more times today than in thepast week, but becuase I spent the majority of my time hunched over my keyboard anyways, I do not count this as a victory.

Habit 9: Yes or No Answers to Yes or No Questions

Surprisingly I actually managed this. I was asked multiple yes/no questions, and I gave immediate yes/no answers to them all.

Habit 10: Carry a Notebook and Pen Everywhere

Scraping the bottom of the barrell with this one. I had it within arms reach all day, and I even wrote down ideas in it... Still, this is a pretty "easy" habit to get into, especially compared to all the rest of the habits. I honestly don't feel like I deserve to cross this out on the list.

Habit 11: Move Towards Your Own Goal

I wrote some stuff down in my commonplace, but it was not the goal I had written down on my to-do list,so I do not feel I deserve to cross this out today.

Overall Score: 6 out of 11

That's bullshit.

There's no way.

If I can get this high a "score" on a day that I hardly did anything, there's absolutely no reason that I shouldn't be whooping this program's ass.

That's kind of embarrasing, honestly.

Maybe this really isn't as hard as I madeit out to be originally...

Fuck, man.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

To date I have attempted 30 Days of Discipline 8 times. Every single 30 Days of Discipline run I have ever attempted ends up the same exact way. 

It usually happens very early, within the first week. I'll mess up just one day, get angry, upset, depressed, and totally shut down any semblence of productive behaviour I may have at one time possessed.

Instead my behaviour reverts to the disgusting neckbeard part of myself that I absolutely loathe. 

I lock myself in my room eating junk and playing videogames for hours on end.

The sad part? I had just gotten over a breakdown like this not more than 7 days ago.

It's exceedingly frusturating.

It feels like I'm driving through a fucking bog. 

After exerting enough effort I'll drive myself out of a rut, go forward a few feet, then get stuck in a puddle of mud. 

It's felt like this for the past 2 years.

I try my best to channel the awesome and inspired part of myself whenever I write my blogposts. Presentation is everything. I don't want to sound like the whiny boy I feel like most of the time. 

I also do not wish to display any sort of negativity to whomever might be reading this.

But I also said that I was going to spill my guts out on this blog. I'd be a liar if I didn't publish this post (though I am sorely tempted not too).

Alright, enough bitching.

What am I going to do about?

I figure the only way you can drive out of a bog is to keep on fucking driving.

I could analyze myself, try and figure out why I keep failing, and try to address that particular issue. But I've been trying to do that for years.  That's what has kept me from attempting 30 Days of Discipline relentlessly.

In 2 years time I've only attempted 30 Days 8 times. I could have attempted it 90 times since then. If I had even attempted it once a month I would have attempted it 48 times total. A measly 8 attempts is next to nothing.

From now on, every day is a 30 Days of Discipline day.

There are 233 days until I turn 20. If it takes me 233 days to finish 30 Days of Discipline, then fuck it - it takes me 233 days to finish 30 Days of Discipline.

30 Days of Discipline Day 2

Today was much less productive than yesterday. Still, a much more productive day than how I had been spending my days before I started.

Habit 1: No Snacking

Ate 1 large meal. I did, however, eat it earlier than I did last night. I could feel myself slowing down... From now I plan on dinner being one of the last things I do in a day.

Habit 2: Get up at 5AM

Absolutely failed at this one. I let myself snooze until 10 today...

Habit 3: Cold Showers Only!

I actually took 2 cold showers today.

Habit 4: No Masturbation

I actually indulged myself in this today. This could definitely explain my lack of productivity.

Habit 5: 100 Pushups, Situps, and Bodysquats

Two workouts again, and in less total time than yesterday.

Habit 6: Dress Your Best

Dressed in my typical all-black attire.

Habit 7: Finish Your To-Do List

Once again I over-estimated my copy-writing abilities... Tomorrow I will reach my goal.

Habit 8: Keep Prideful Posture

I actually caught myself slouching today and corrected myself every time.

Habit 9: Yes or No Answers to Yes or No Questions

Again, I was not paying attention to how I was interacting with others today.

Habit 10: Carry a Notebook and Pen Everywhere

I had my notebook within's arm reach of me all day today.

Habit 11: Move Towards Your Own Goal

Even though I did not reach my copy-writing goal today, I added another gig on fiverr and expanded my "business" through that.

Overall Score: 7 out of 11

Better than yesterday, but I won't be satisfied until I knock them all out.

30 Days of Discipline - Day 1

For accountability reasons, I have decided that I am going to post a daily 30 Days of Discipline post everyday. I will include an overview of the habits I accomplished, the habits I failed, and brief commentary on the day.

Habit 1: No Snacking

Did not snack once. I ate 1 large meal at the end of the day.

Habit 2: Get up at 5AM

I woke up at 8:15 today... 

Habit 3: Cold Showers Only!

The only kind of shower I take.

Habit 4: No Masturbation

I didn't think twice about it.

Habit 5: 100 Pushups, Situps, and Bodysquats

Split up into two sets - one in the morning, one in the evening.

Habit 6: Dress Your Best

Qualified: In the book Victor's instructions are to dress suit-and-tie, every day. While I do have a suit, it is ill-fitting, and wearing it reminds me of my days stuck behind a cubicle (I had my first office job at 18...). Instead I wear form fitting v-necks, slim-fitting jeans, and a watch that all go well together (hint: they're all black). Dressing like this gives me the same psychological boost that dressing well does anyways, since before I would ounge around in nothing but a pair of sweatpants.

In short, accomplished.

Habit 7: Finish Your To-Do List

Finished everything but one item... I seriously over-estimated my copy-writing abilities, and thus my goal for writing  today was not met. 

Habit 8: Keep Prideful Posture

I did not notice myself slouching today, but that does not mean that I accomplished this goal. I need to keep track of this.

Habit 9: Yes or No Answers to Yes or No Questions

My interaction with others was at a minimum today. I cannot recall how I answered questions that may have been directed at me, so I cannot claim to have accomplished this goal today.

Habit 10: Carry a Notebook and Pen Everywhere

Damn straight I did this. I even wrote down a few business ideas in it.

Habit 11: Move Towards Your Own Goal

I have decided to focus on creating an online business for myself. My copywriting goal was a reflection of that choice, but I did not reach it. A no-go for this goal.

Overall Score: 6 out of 11

I can do better.

The Only Way 30 Days of Discipline Won't Work

30 Days of Discipline is designed to kick your ass up and down the calander for an entire month. At the end of your month, you are guaranteed to have achieved more self-discipline than you had before you started. In fact it's likely that you will have more self-discipline than you've ever had before!

But here's the catch:

 It only fucking works if you make it work!

The only way you get your discipline is by earning it. The only way you earn it is if you do the damn program.

My behaviour this last week was a farcry from what is required from 30 Days. 

The first day was great. I only missed one or two habits.

Day two I missed five habits.

Day three I gave up.

The entire rest of the week I spent in a langour brought on by my own thoughts "you're worthless" and behaviours "Just stay in bed". I got depressed.  I started to binge, eating whatever processed shit I could get my hands on. I walked with hunched shoulders. I stayed in my room. I spent the next three days sleeping and dicking around on the internet. 

Then - finally - I took some advice and stopped digging my hole.

I woke up at 7 this morning, instead of at noon.

I stopped eating. I haven't eaten in the past 20 hours.

I broke my isolation by spending time with my girl, which cheered me up considerably.

Tomorrow I'm taking another swing at it. 

And this time I'll remember.

Defeat is temporary.

Keep Your Plans to Yourself

I just got back from lunch with an older friend of mine.

He gave me a call earlier today. 

We've known eachother since highschool, and I rented a room from his parents after I hastily decided to move out of my parent's house after graduation at 18.

We meet at a Taco Bell (my stomach is still churning from that processed "food" I allowed into my body).

He asks what I'm doing now.

"I've actually started doing some freelance writing," I say rather excitedly.

Shocked, he replies "you need a degree for that!"

"No, you don't," I assure him."I'm doing just fine without one." 

"Well, you need to get one. It will make you more hire-able." He grins at me, pleased with his argument.

I change the subject. I don't want to hear anymore. 

Wanna know the sad part?

This is how most of my conversations end up.

When I ever dare to disclose how I personally feel about jobs, careers, and most post-secondary schooling to my peers, I am always met with confused looks and panicked outrage: 

"But you NEED to go to college! How else are you going to get a good job?"

"You don't WANT a job? How else are you going make money?"

Most people's reality is so narrow that they cannot even imagine doing anything else other than what they were taught in school - busywork.

If ever I attempt to explain another way to make money, it's as if I am speaking a foreign language. My friend at Taco Bell was a bit more enlightened. At least he knew what freelancing was.

Keep your plans to yourself.

99.9 percent of the time you will be disappointed in people's to them reactions.  

Nobody is going to congratulate you on trying to make your own way.

You will be met with endless doubts and arguments on why your plans won't work. This can only discourage you, esepecially when it comes from close friends and family members.

The best thing to do is to just shut up and execute.

Personal Blood Work and Testosterone Levels

Getting my testosterone levels checked is one of my goals. I can now officially cross it off my goals list.

2 days ago I bought a blood test and got my blood drawn. 24 hours later (a pleasant surprise) I had my results waiting for me in my email's inbox.

Here's what my levels look like:

Seeking a more accurate range to compare myself to, I found this site (linked from a useful article on The Art of Manliness). According to Normal Testosterone Levels in Men (Non-Diabetic) table - measuered in nanograms per decilitre (ng/dL) - I have the testosterone of a 55 year old man.

Ouch.

In fact, I actually have a testosterone count that is a bit lower than the average 55 year old man's. 

Of my age group (<25 years old) I suspect I am in the bottom 20 percent as far as my levels go - faaar from optimal operating levels. 

My luteinizing hormone as well is at the low end of the range provided.

 Estradiol, too seems comparatively low. On the same site, healthy E2 levels are cited at 20-30 pg/ml. But because estrogen in males is produced via manipulating testosterone that has already been produced, I suspect that my E2 level is low because my total testosterone is low, which means that my body is not overly producing estrogen - a good sign!

My Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) is surprisingly high compared to the rest of my numbers (I think...), but I suspect that this is simply genetic. As has been pointed out by many, I have some hairy-ass legs, along with thick eyebrows and head hair that grows out quickly.

I am also not fully physically mature (which I honestly think is generational/environmental - I know 25, 26, 27 year olds that look like they are still in highschool) and thus these levels may be elevated due to physiological changes associated with puberty.

The sum of the parts?

I have low testosterone.

I have suspected this for awhile.

Since I've turned 19, my overall wellbeing has been detoriating relative to how I felt when I was 18. Feelings of fatigue have followed me for awhile now. My libido has definetely suffered since I was 18, and I have been experienced some symptoms of erectile dysfunction...

I have also been retaining much more fat around my stomach than ever before. Typically rather lean, I have attained a noticeable pot belly when I take my shirt off (noticeable enough that others have commented on it). I've also had more pronounced memory problems.

Emotionally speaking I've been much more prone to stress and anxiety. Even during the course of this blog, my motivation has been fleeting at best, and I have been easy prey for my black dog as of late.

These are all symptoms of low testosterone, and while I may be falling prey to hindsight bias, the bloodwork speaks for itself.

So how do I expect to combat my low testosterone?

30 Days of Discipline.

5 of the 12 habits directly contribute towards increasing natural testosterone.

I also plan to expirement with posture exercises and artificial sunlight over the 30 day period.

At the end of the 30 Days, I will order another bloodtest for myself to see how my levels have changed, and I will dedicate a post to the experience and my bloodwork. 

I will officially start this 30 Days of Discipline this coming Monday, the 15th of September.

Curious about your own testosterone levels?

I literally followed this post at Danger and Play step-by-step to get my bloodwork done. The total cost for the test was 55 bucks and 20 minutes in a waiting room.

 After that, all it took was a little help from Google to interpret my results. Mens Hormonal Health has some great, free, useful information. 

This procedure is specific to the U.S. I do not know how one would attain such tests abroad, but I doubt it is impossible.

Are Others Holding You Down?

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

Take a good look at whom you consider your closest friends and family members, and to your co-workers and spouse.

Who are they?

What are they like?

What are their goals and aspirations?

Are they motivated and ambitious?

Are they positive people? Are they negative?

The people that you closely associate yourself with are the anchor-points for your self. These are the people that you share experiences with, people that influence how you percieve your life's experiences, and ultimately create a large portion of your reality.


While you are more heavily influenced by the five people you are closest to, the list does not stop at five. There is a cognitive limitation of 150 personalities, give or take, that your human brain can handle. Notice I said personalites, not persons. This list of 150 includes fictional characters, celebrities, and even brands of a product.

What does this mean for you?

This means that you need to be very picky about whom you choose to spend your time with. You need to be actively managing your inputs for information.

My previous circle of friends did nothing but play videogames, eat junk, and complain about their lives. Their ambitions were not much more than reaching the next prestige level in Call of Duty.

If the people you are spending time with prioritize leveling up their Destiny character, it's time to cut the cord. They are deadweight to you, and can only hold you back.

Should You Read This Blog?

This is a selfish blog.

I started this blog as a way to record my journey as I reach for an ideal self, for myself. By the very nature of the subject for this blog - my OWN goals - I was not expecting a serious, loyal readership. However, I now understand the significance of retaining an audience.

The measure of a blogs value is in their audience. The reason blogs like SGM or D&P have such a large following is because the blogs themselves are valuable. The authors focus on providing value to their readers; every post is designed to give something - knowledge, advice, insights, whatever - to the audience for the relatively small cost of time it takes to read their post. This is also how reader loyalty is established - consistently providing value. 

Now that I am thinking about attempting to provide value, I know I cannot provide value of this nature. For one, I'm 19 years old. My life experience is limited. I lack the maturity and wisdom to give any sort of advice, let alone the hard-hitting stuff that comes from the more experienced spectrum of the self-help blogosphere.

So what can you hope to get out this blog?

Most bloggers write about challenges and obstacles they had to overcome in order to get to where they are at. They have reached point B, and are looking back at the path that brought them there from point A.

I am at point A, and I want to share in real time the dips and turns, the ups and downs I am facing to get to my point B. 

I want to provide an intimate look at what a journey of this type looks like. 

My end goal for this blog is to provide a go-to example for those wishing to start on their own path, what pitfalls to expect and avoid, and to prove that this sort of self-maturation is possible and attainable, even at a (relatively) early age

I am going to spill my guts out on this blog. 

I aim to be as honest and authentic as possible. 

Hopefully you will find value in my writings.  

Making Goals Efficient

I have goals.

I have a lot of goals (20 to be exact).

With only 259 days left until I turn 20, I need to accomplish one goal every 13 days if I want to successfully accomplish everything on my list. 

What exactly is the best way to do this? By

lining them up and knocking them out one by one. By focusing on 1 goal at a time.

But how will I know once I've accomplished a goal? Each goal needs to have a very defined end-point, so I will know exactly what successfully accomplishing a goal looks like. 

Good goals are also measurable and actionable every day.

For Example

Goals like "Get Big" have no definite endpoint. Even if I added just 2 pounds of muscle, I would technically have gotten bigger. How big do I really want to get? And what actions can I take every day that will get me closer to this goal?

For one, the body is actually very measurable. Muscle size can be measured with a tape measure, muscle mass is measured by simply standing on a scale, and even body fat can be measured (somewhat accurately) with body calipers.

I have decided that gaining 20 (see what I did there?) pounds of muscle is my endgoal.

What daily actions, what habits will get me closer to gaining 20 pounds? Getting to the gym and eating like horse. 

Every day, for five consecutive days per week, I will get myself into the gym to throw some iron around. I will not worry about breaking personal records or keeping track of 1 rep maxes. I need simply to focus on getting in the gym and exerting effort. The goal here is a solid month of 5 days per week in the gym.

Every meal I eat, I will eat until I am full, and then eat some more. I will drink only milk at meal time. I will eat at least 3 solid meals a day, take 10 1000mg fish-oil pills, and drink 1 pre- or post-workout protein shake every day. 

Every Sunday I will measure my bodyweight, muscle size, and (eventually) bodyfat, and I will take a picture of myself to put into my workout log.

I am currrently going through this process with each of my goals, and determining the best course of action to take. Expect changes in the progress page.

What about 1 goal at a time?

While I am focusing on 1 (maybe 2) goal(s) at a time, there are many habits that I could still be nurturing that will help me reach a goal. 

For example, I love eggs. I eat 4 everyday with my breakfast, as well as usually putting one or two in my protein shakes. Every time I crack an egg, I use only one hand, as one of my goals is to learn to crack eggs one-handed. 

Is 1 goal every 13 days feasible?

No.

Even on steroids, I don't think anyone could gain 20 pounds in 13 days.

Trying to accomplish this seems like a quick way to burn yourself out.

However, some goals are much easier to acheive than others. Again, with the one-handed egg cracking goal, I could likey knock this out in a day if I watched some youtube videos with a carton of eggs to practice with.

Simalarly, the ideas I want to add to my commonplace are finite. I could likely knock out this goal by focusing on it during a weekend. 

Other goals can blend into eachother with regard to their daily habits. 

Once I update my commonplace, I will make a habit of spending 15-30 minutes on it, addding the day's thoughts/ideas and pruning/reorganizing as I see fit. The habit of writing daily (for my "getting paid to write" goal) gets fed directly for every minute I spend writing in my commonplace.

Many of my goals are also money-centric. This means I can focus on generating income from my job/businesses, and once I have income, I can pay off/purchase whatever to accomplish said goals.

As long as goals are being accomplished at a steady pace, there is no need to fret about accomplishing X goals every Y days. That's a good way to stress yourself and burnout. 

That being said, 20 goals in 9 months is quite ambitious for me... I am more than slightly intimidated.

But I know the key lies in focus, determination, and above all, consistency in action. Doing a little everyday is what causes change and builds momentum.

Monthly Review

Today is the last day of August first day of September. While this site hasn't been up for a month, I want to get in the habit of doing a monthly review of myself and make sure I'm on track to meet or exceed each one of my goals. 

Two weeks ago I was wasting time with porn, videogames, and endless Netflix binges. I had allowed myself to stagnate, and as I result I was sinking into depression. 

While I have stumbled a bit these past two weeks, I am maintaining course. At the very least I've established where I want to go. 

If I'm being completely honest with myself, right now I lack true vigor for attaining these goals. I have yet to obtain the obsession I had once before. Very often I must force myself to act in line with my goals. My actions are forced; my heart is not in it. But I know in time this will get easier. My fire will grow. I will once again become obsessed. 

I have faith.

For now, all I can do is keep grinding. Everything's a slog. Even a rebirth.

Image source.

Defeat is Temporary

I lost some momentum this week. 

I let myself lose some momentum, and I know it. I talked myself out of going to the gym and eating junk. 

"I've been doing pretty good. I can take a day off, it wont hurt," I told myself in a feeble attempt to justify my actions. Even though I rationalized my decision, I knew it was bullshit. Cognitive dissonance was quickly acheived.

Processed foods are filled with all sorts  of nasty chemicals, added for flavour and as preservatives. If eating fruits and veggies make you less depressed, it's not a stretch to infer that the opposite is true, and without a workout, my body was not treated to it's daily dose of dopamine. With nothing to combat the toxicity of the junk I ate, I was in a noticeably darker mood the next day. 

I put myself in the perfect position for my black dog to rear it's ugly head, and it did so gladly and ruthelessly.

Negative thoughts spiraled through my mind. Who am I to think I deserve better than average? I am average! I'm below average! Do I really believe a silly little blogger site will change anything for me? It's all a waste. I should stop now, before I embarress myself...

Fuck that!

Days like this are going to happen. There will always be good days and bad days. I should expect this sort of thing, especially right now, early in this quest for self-accomplishment. Objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Right now I'm fighting a brain heavily entrenched in homeostasis.

I am simply experiencing friction.

Napolean Hill taught me that the most common cause of failure is giving up when met with a temporary defeat. All defeats are temporary. The road to success is littered with failure. The only true failure is giving up.

I'm not giving up.

HTML

This entire post was written in raw Hyper-Text Markup Language.

Log of Learning

I am 20 pages in HTML and CSS. Page 20 is the first page with code on it.

HTML is actually rather simple to understand. Of course, I am still very new to it. The only tags I have utilized so far are the paragraph, body, heading, bold, and italic tags.
I've also learned about strong tags, and tags for emphasis. These are considered semantic markup, and even though they are bolded and italicized, they are used mostly for the benefit they might bring for people using screen-readers, or how the information is registered on search engines, and should not be used for their visible effect on the text.

Today is the 25^th of August. That means the day I started to learn HTML, there were 269 days before I turn 20.

C₂H₆0 is truly a miracle substance.
Many attribute Benjamin Franklin to saying Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. While it makes for good shop-lore for micro brewers of America, in reality Benjamin Franklin said this:

Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.

Black Science Guy is an American astrophysicist, popular for being a science guy and being black at the same time.

NASA has done some crazy space shit. Like Sputnik. That shit was crazy.

The following information is true false: This statment is false true.

Wow.

This page has quickly deteriorated into nothing but a mis-mash of entirely irrelevant material, scraps of thoughts, and musings that aren't even that original and would serve no purpose anywhere else in this blog. This page is like Frankenstein's Monster, created from the discarded and disused thoughts that run in my head, remnants of the time
weeksaeonsago when I would spend countless hours aimlessly drifting through the interwebs, restlessly flitting between porn sites, wandering the Isle of Funny Junk, exploring the Land of Steam, and curiously training my eyes on the Jungle of 4Chan, walking on the edge but never venturing far into its unknown. I call this peiod of time my Dark Age .

In HTML, there are three types of lists.

1. Ordered Lists
2. Unordered Lists
3. Definition Lists

Ordered Lists

Lists that order listed items numerically

Unordered Lists

Lists that are not ordered, using bullet points in place of numerals

Definition Lists

A list that lists and defines terms, like this one

• This list
• was done
• from memory
• This nested list
• was not
• Still a victory

---

I will be updating this post as I learn more. Here I will document the the tags I learn to use.

6 chapters until CSS! The next chapter is on links

Also, started up on Code Academy today. Learning about links now, just like in chapter 4.

Looking to learn some code yourself? (Opens a new tab.)
Superscripts and subscripts.
Bold, italics.
Headings.
Line breaks and line rules.
Emphasis and strong importance.
Quotes (which don't work in Internet Explorer) and blockquotes, which I think look nicer anyways.
Abbreviation and acronym titles. With HTML 5, acronyms use the same tag as abbreviations.
Citing tags, deleted and inserted content, and defining instances of the first use of a term.
the < s > tag: innacurate information that is no longer true but that should not be deleted.
Lists. This should have taken me half an hour to accomplish. Instead I dragged this out for three days.
Links. Links to other sites, other sites in new tabs, other places on the same site (no example shown), other places on the same page.
Images. Alt text to provide info if the reader cannot view the image for some reason. Title to write what shows up on mouse hover. Can specify width and height. Align tags may show up in older code. Figure and Caption tags used to associate pics with specific captions.

Mindset

My mindset used to be Killer

I found an old essay I wrote for an assignment during my brief period of community college. Let's take a look at the mindset I once held...

Here are some key quotes from it, to give you an idea how I once thought.

" " "

Nothing beats the finality of death. When I lay dead, that's it. There is no more that I can do in this life. I'm done...  I whisper to myself "memento mori" - remember death. This simple reminder reinvigorates my burning desire for accomplishment, and renews my spirits in the war with the entropic forces of Sloth.

      The most important thing to me... is independence... My time is gold. My time is finite. Trading time for an hourly wage is like selling gold for its weight in pennies. The money that I make independently and autonomously is worth ten times the money I that I make as an employee.

     The projects I will pursue will be the projects that I choose  and want to pursue. I will be working towards my vision. That freedom alone is worth the lack of job security and other benefits that comes with being self-employed.

     The soul is restricted by the physical and mental limitations of the human body. By keeping my body healthy, and by extent keeping my mind sharp, I am minimizing the limitations of my body and maximizing the potential output of my soul.

" " "

When I was 18 there was a fire raging inside me, a burning obsession, and I wasn't afraid to show it. This essay was only 1 part of the assignment. The other part was a presentation to the rest of the class.

I stood in front of my peers and told them the exact same thing.

Here are some selected slides from my presentation.

Fun Fact: I created that hourglass from scratch in MS Paint. Pixel Art Skills = l33t

What happened to me? Compared to 18 Year Old me, 19 Year Old me is a fucking pussy.

I was ready to kill. Now I can hardly focuse myself.

Let's get that mindset back.

Books

20 Books to Read Before I Turn 20

     These are the books that are going to make up my reading list for the next 10 months. 20 books in 10 months means about 1 book read every 2 weeks. This may seem a little long, but I also expect to be taking notes and writing a summary for each book as well. 

The books, from left to right.

1) Ceasar: Life of a Colossus 

Thanks to Ludvig Sunström for the book recommendation.

     Pretty much the only thing I know about Ceasar is that he was a dictator. The only thing I know about Rome is that they had big shields and gladiators. In fact, I learned about the sheild thing from the movie Gladiator. As awesome an actor as Russell Crowe is, history is not learned best through hollywood. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone here, to learn more about the world's first Republic, and to learn about the Man who's assassination marked the beginning of the end for the world's first Republic.

2) Steve Jobs 

     Probably just like every other American of my generation (read: millenial), I've had a fascination with the "great visionary of Apple," Steve Jobs. I've read this biography a few times before, but I've not taken notes on it. I will be paying special attention to the traits that make up Steve Jobs, and will take special consideration of the ones I may perhaps like to emulate.

3) iWoz

     While I'm rather familiar with Steve Jobs, I know next to nothing about Steve Wozniak. It seems only fair that I take a look at the brains of Apple if I'm going to be studying it's face.

4) The Law of Success

     It looks big and dense. I am honestly intimidated by the size of this book. I've handled college textbooks that were smaller than this. This book looks like it may take a little longer than two weeks. But that's ok. I have smaller, less dense books on this book list that will take less time to read , so it will balance out in the end.

Again, this reccomendation comes from a post at Start Gaining Momentum.

5) Arnold: The Education of a Body Builder

     Seems like required reading for anyone who wants big muscles. The few passages I've skimmed from it are extremely motivating. They make me want to get off my ass and go kill it in the gym. And if it makes Victor Pride's reading list, there's no reason it shouldn't be on mine.

6) The Slight Edge

     I bought this book during a short stint with Amway. Yes, that Amway. Pyramid scheme aside, the people at Amway do read useful books, if only to put their own spin on it. But the principles can be applied to anything, not just getting someone to see "the plan." I've read this book before, but without taking any notes. 

7) Think and Grow Rich

     Another one of Victor's approved resources. Everywhere I've read a review for this book I've read nothing but positivity. I've had it for a few months now, but I've never read it. I feel like I've been doing myself a great diservice.

8) King Warrior Magician Lover

     I heard about this book from Mike's post on the unconscious at Danger and Play. A fan of Meyers-Briggs personality types (created by standing on Carl Jung's shoulders), as well as archetypes in general (from story tropes to the metaphysical), this book ignited interest in me immediately. I devoured this book the day it arrived. I would like to read it again, this time savouring it a bit more, thinking about it a little more deeply, and taking some notes in the process.

9) The Road Less Traveled

     I first found this book on a shelf in the psychology class I took my Junior year of highschool. The entire time I was reading it, all I could think about was how utterly profound it was. After I finished reading it, I found it as an audiobook on YouTube and listened to that. I've since forgotten much of what I learned from that book, but I am eager to begin reading it again, this time taking notes on the powerful lessons therein.

10) How to Win Friends and Influence People

     Another book that was on the Amway reading list. I suspect that reading this book and applying what I learn from it will definitely help reach my income goals for my sales job. Everything I've heard about Dale Carenige's works has been extremely positive as well.

11) How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

    Another Dale Carnegie title, I bought this book when I realized that I was having anxiety issues. I read the first few chapters of the book, applied what I needed, and then, when my anxiety stopped, I stopped reading it. I would like to revisit the book and take notes that I can easily navigate if ever I begin to suffer from anxiety like that again.

12) Rich Dad Poor Dad

     It seems like everybody has an opinion about this book, even if the only thing they know about it is the title (which I guess was the point). I found a copy of this at my school's library when I was 16. It was the first place I was introduced to the idea that having a job was an absolutely bullshit if you ever wanted to make real money. While I never truly took the idea to heart, it was stuck in the back of my mind until, one day, 2 years later, I stumbled accross Bold and Determined. It was here I saw that not only was living without a job a possibility, but that it was possible. Today, anyone with an internet connection can create and sustain a profitable business. I want to reread this book to pick up any nuggets of wisdom that I may have missed or forgotten my first time around.

13) Ender's Game

I know. It's fiction. 

I know. It's science fiction. 

It's the domain of dweebs and geeks, neckbeards and manchildren that never outgrow their own childish fantasy-land filled with aliens, robots, and laser guns. 

Except Science Fiction predicted today's culture of civilian surveillance, political correctness, and first-world frivolity.

Huh. Maybe it's not so childish after all.

     Thematically, Ender's Game is an effective discourse and exploration of the psyche of those considered gifted and those considered leaders. It explores the psychic damge wrought on by the loneliness, alienation, and expectations that many great men have faced.

     When I first read this book my freshman year of highschool, I could relate greatly to the loneliness that Ender felt. I want to read this again, to see how I relate to Ender now, as well as see what new themes I manage to pick up on.

     These next few books are practical, how-to books that I've been sitting on top of for quite awhile. There's an obvious theme of coding and game creation if you read the titles and know what Blender and Unity are.

14) Learning Python with Raspberry Pi

     The second person I was rooming with when I moved out bought me a Raspberry Pi for my 19th birthday. I ordered this book from Barnes and Noble afterwards. It's a step-by-step project book using Pythong to program the Pi. I've always wanted to learn Python, but have yet to sit down and actually do anything with this book.

15) HTML and CSS

     I've always fancied myself having an eye for design. I can appreciate a well-designed site layout when I see one, and I've always wanted to try my hand at web design. I bought this book with this in mind. Now it's just a matter of acually doing it (the hard part).

16) Game Character Creation with Blender and Unity

     I believe I recieved this book one year either for Christmas of my Birthday while I was still living with my parents (before I moved back in). I remember being excited and diving headfirst into this book, but I quickly lost interest when I discovered that required a modest amount of *gasp* hard work and discipline! :O

17, 18, 19, 20)  ?  ?  ?

So what about the last 4 books? 

     The blogs I read are always suggesting great books that I've never heard of, or books that I've seen but held off on picking up. I know there are even some awesome ebooks floating around that are absolultely free.

     So I'm not worried. I'll find some more good books before long. Whenever I make a decision on what to read, this book list will be updated and I'll continue on my reading conquest.

Real Estate

Fuck it.

I don't want to be a Real Estate Agent. 

I never did.

     The only fucking reason I started these classes was so it would sound like I was doing something whenever somebody I didn't know or care about asks me "so what are you doing?" 

     What does it matter that I'm not going to college, or not working some shit job I hate just like everyone else? Why do I feel the need to impress people that aren't that impressive themselves? 

I shouldn't be trying to impress anyone, much less the mediocre!

Holding the pretention that I'm trying to become a Real Estate Agent has been making me ill. It's a lie, and it eats away at me every time I tell someone that. 

So fuck it.

Let's drop that pretention. 

I don't want it anymore.

I never did. 

Mood

Today I was feeling kind of shitty.

     I've been much less productive with this "blog" than I wanted to. I only got through half of my new workout routine lastnight. I've been procrastinating on my Real Estate Classes for months now, even though I told myself I was going to start them up again with the advent of this blog.

I let my mind focus on the negative things without even once giving a thought to the little victories I've accomplished.

For one, I started this blog. Ever since I wrote my 20 Goals down, my behaviour has been shifting more and more in line with what I want to accomplish.

 I haven't skipped a workout. Every day I tell myself "I'm going to the gym," I go to the gym.

I had a succesful first shift with my new canvassing job.

But these thoughts never entered my mind. 

     Aside from the negative thoughts, I did very little today. I made a large to-do list lastnight, before I went to bed. But between the unnatural brain-fog I experienced due to a large dose of melatonin pills, and the sedentary state I put myself in when I woke up and skipped my morning routine, I had done very little of it.

The thing that turned my day around?

I had to get ready for work.

I took my cold shower, got dressed, figured out where I needed to go, and suddenly realized I felt ten times better in that moment than I did 20 minutes ago. 

I didn't neccesarily want to do these things. But I had to.

I despise the fact that it was an external factor that forced me into action. But it's still a fact. I can recognize the lesson here. 

My mood is in my control. 

It was the actions that I took that caused my mood to change. These actions were simple, and cost me very little in the way of willpower; I do these things every day.

Of course, I knew this before. The sites I visit and the books I read have gone through this topic again and again. But understanding it and doing it are night and day apart.

Now that I've experienced, it will be easier to follow this course of action in the future.

The Reasons for Each Goal

Before I Turn 20, I Want to....

1) Get paid to write an article

     Why shouldn't I get paid to write? Writing is something that comes fairly naturally to me, though my "skill" right now is mostly just talent. I have not sharpended my skill past anything I wrote in highschool. Learning to make compelling copy is a skill that I can monetize. Leaning proper grammar and how to edit is another skill that is easily leveraged for dollars. Many people sell SEO services on fiverr. And of course, my own projects will only increase in quality if I can write well. Getting paid for all this means I can make money doing something that I am interested in, and most of all it means no shitty W2 wage-slave job. 

2) Write a short story

     Fiction writing seems like it would be the most rewarding kind of writing. I have had many ideas running in my head, fragments of stories that never go beyond just that, fragments. If I ever want to get good at telling stories, I need to get started with it soon.

3) Make and upload a unique flash game

    Much of my childhood was spent playing time-wasting flash games on whatever flash portals I could find. Since I was younger, I've always wanted to "make games." With the advent of things like Flixel and FlashPunk, there is no reason I should not have made a game yet, especcially when someone else has already proved that it's very possible. 

4) Build a website

     I've always secretley thought to myself that maybe I have an eye for design. Sometimes if I visit an especially well designed website, I'll sit therefor a few minutes, drooling over it. I'll mouse over everything, trying to get a feel it all. I often get jealous of all the awesome websites, website layouts, etc. others have made that I have not. Of course, when I investigate the website's code, I understand none of it, as I've never taken the time to learn proper coding. In order to build a website, I will have to learn how to code. Ditto for any games I want to make.

5) Succesfully finish 30 Days of Discipline

     Since I was 18, I have attempted, time and time again, VIctor Pride's 30 Days of Discipline. I have never kept it up past the 2nd week. I miss too many habits, tell myself I'm useless, get depressed and give up. Indeed, since I graduated highschool, I would guess that 1/3 to 1/2 of my time since then I have spent in depression. In order to be succesful with 30 Days, I must first rid myself of the negativity and the thought patterns that lead me to depression in the firstplace, or otherwise continue on through sheer force of will (kind of the point to 30 Days of Discipline). 

6) Document game ideas/other ideas

     This was originally 2 seperate goals. They are very similar, and rather minor, so I have put them together as 1 goal. Which means I now need a 20th goal.

     This goals is mostly a goal about my commonplace. I have hade one since the beggining of the year, but it has since fell into disuse. My plan is to revitalize my interest in it, and wells as force myself to go decide which ideas I have that are worth executing. I have plenty of ideas. Since highschool I have always carried around and kept a small moleskine notebook to put ideas in. I have filled up 2 of these small moleskines, as well as collected many scraps and pages of paper with ideas that I jotted down quickly when I was without a notebook. Some of these ideas are fucking awesome. Many are not. While I am looking back through this all, I will look with a critical eye and decide what is worth keeping and what is not.

7) Learn to crack an egg with one hand

Learning this skill is vital for future plans.

8) Make $900 in lead-generation bonuses at work in a month

     I have just started a job with a solar company. My job is to go door to door and set up appointments for the engineering side of this company to come and install solar panels. For every on-site appointment lead, I earn a "comission" of 15 dollars. The expected "efficiency" of each worker is 3 on-site leads per every 4 hour shift. I have 5 of these shifts in a week. 3 leads per day, 5 days in a row is 15 leads per week, each with a 15 dollar commision, means that I should be earning 225 dollars in a week, or 900 per month (before taxes, of course. Ah, the joys of the W2 wage). 900 per month means that I am - at the very least - competent. When I reach this goal, I will likely stretch it out to a larger number. Until then, 900 is my goal.

9) MOVE OUT

     Weeks after I turned 18, I left my parent's place and moved in with my best friend (in highschool). Events and circumstances lead me to soon move in with another friend. Today, I am back to living with my parents. When I was "on my own," I felt much more free, much less stifled, even if the other environments were not quite healthy. I had jobs, I paid (a very modest) rent, had a girl to spend money on and time with, and a car with an insurance payment (eventually). I bought my own food (steak'n'eggs ftw), went to the gym, and I had to buy bus passes and learn bus routes to get to work before I had to pay gas and insurance on my car. It was the most responsibility I have ever held in my life. I genuinely felt like I had matured and grown from the person I was in highschool.

     Eventually, I moved back in with my parents. When I did, I reverted back to the way I used to be in highschool. I reinstalled my games on my computer. I began wasting time on the internet. I stopped reading, stopped exercising my body and my mind, and ate whatever processed shit was in the pantry. It was almost as if the entire year that I was away had never happened... While I am currently taking steps to correct this (read: this blog) I know that my growth here is limited. For my sake, I need to move out.

10) Get T levels checked

     When I was 18, eating steak and eggs, and working out like a fucking badass, I could literally feel myself becoming a man. I was dominant in bed (without trying), I walked like I had a reason to live, I could stare anybody in the eye without remorse. Today, at 19, I feel 1/10 of that. I'm now 19, and I feel like a boy, still suckling at the teat of protective parents. There is no doubt in my mind that I now have low testosterone. But I want to get my bloodwork done. As I alter my behaviour and grow as a man, I want to see the effect it has on my T levels, and I want to see if I can raise test naturally. Ideally I will do this sooner rather than later, and I will hopefully see a greater impact on my T levels.

11) Read and Summarize 20 books.

     I do not think that I currently posess the faculty to read 1 book per week. But I think I can definitely read 1 book per 2 weeks, or 2 books per month - with notes. But 2 books per month is 18 books, as I have 9 months before I turn 20. In keeping with the theme, I increased this to 20 books.

     Within this goal is a subgoal of three books in particular. These are tutorial-like books: Learning With Raspberry Pi, HTML and CSS, and Game Character Creation with Unity and Blender. These three books require that I read along and learn a skill, and are required reading for this goal.

12) Pay off APS

     The local school district paid for me to take college classes. College classes that I dropped out of. I now owe the state a tidy sum of a lot. That's a lot more than I have. Getting rid of this debt requires me to monitor my spending much more closely than I have in the past, and requires that I prioritize paying this off.

13) Pay off State Tax Debt

     I got a bill from the State declaring an outstanding balance that I owe them. I have no idea why. I suspect I filed my taxes incorrectly. Regardless, I am much more scared of this debt than I am of the APS debt. The state has much more authority when it comes to raping it's citizens for dollars.

14) Lift seriously Get Big

     Obviously I need to narrow down my exact goals for this. The vagueness of "get in shape" is the bane of many would-be fit people. I will detail my goals for this in a later post.

     Right now all I should be worrying about is eating a lot and getting to the gym. There is no such thing as a hardgainer. Just skinny guys with small appetites. I don't have a certain weight in mind, since I don't know what an optimal muscular weight would be. Something I need to research and decide.

15) Cover a song

     I've always wanted to. Even if it comes out shitty. It's something I've never done before and something that scares me. This is reason enough to attempt it, I think.

16) Get Real Estate License Try Nootropics

I never really wanted this.

Needs to be updated.

Ever since I learned about modafinil I've always been curious about nootropics. While I could never get my hands on modafinil, there are far more easier (and legal) ways to increase productivity without attempting to import a class IV substance. The People's Stack looks like a good starting point, and Pill Scout seems like a good resource for nootropic noobies.

17) Fix scooter

     When I was 17, my grandfather on my step-mom's side gave me a motorized scooter. Because I didn't have a license, I couldn't legally use it, but I did anyways. It became an object of contention (one of many) with my parents and I before I moved out. However, the thing that finally stopped me from using it was the fact that it stalled constantly. After a few episiodes of the thing dying in traffic - once while I was in the middle of an busy intersection - I put the thing in my parents garage and it's gathered dust since. I would like to fix it so that I can a) say that I did and b) use that to get around. It takes much less gas to run 50cc's (of KICKASS) than it does 6 cylinders.

18) Brew a batch of Beer and Mead

     I have it all right in front of me. It's all in my closet as I type. I've always wanted to learn how to do it. So why the fuck not?

19) Learn Pixel Art

     Since I was 16 I've had a love affair with Pixel Art. What people can do with a few pixels is incredible. Because each pixel is visible, the placement of it all is extremely important. The fewer pixels there are, the more important placement becomes. One pixel can make or break an entire piece. The general aesthetic is one of borrowed nostalgia, but today, there is so much more to pixel art than re-living the days of the NES. And pecause it requires no dextrous drawing talent, this was always the easiest form of visual art for me. I've picked up the pencil tool once or twice before, but never stuck to it. I want to stick it out and see what I can make.

20) Build an Online Business

Obviously I am missing a goal. Read goal 6's gray text. I will update asap.

Added: 8-17-2014

     After racking my brain over this new goal for awhile, I hadn't come up with any goal worth pursuing. I once again turned to the internet in my search for answers. I (once again) found myself browsing 30 Days to X. As I meandered Robert's his blog, I found a pocket of posts on building your own business and becoming an entrepreneur. It was reading this post that caused this desire to really click for me.

     I have a multitude of ideas for businesses. I've never taken the time to actually sit down and do them. Ideas are a dime a dozen. It's the execution of an idea that makes a business. By taking the time to execute, I will learn through experience what no amount of theory could ever teach. This first-hand knowledge is invaluable, and the sooner I try (and fail) making money off of any idea of mine, the sooner I will have success.

     I am restricting the business to an online business because the start-up costs for a website is dirt-cheap compared to that of basically any other business.